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Category: Mental Health
Rational Questions
The mind is a sly trickster. When we are in an anxious state, it bombards us with a barrage of irrational thoughts in an attempt to con us into believing a situation is so horrible that it must be avoided at all costs.
Rather than allowing ourselves to be fooled by the duplicitous trickster, we can outwit it by proposing three rational questions. These questions serve as a way to end the trickery and bring us back to reality.
The Three Rational Questions
- Is my thinking based on fact?
- Does my thinking help me achieve my goals?
- Does my thinking help me feel the way I want to feel?
If we answer “yes” to the three questions, then our thinking is rational; it is in our best interest to keep that thought.
If we answer “no” to one or more of the questions, then our thinking is irrational; it is in our best interest to reform our thought into one that is rational.
Example:
Initial thought: If I go to the interview, they will reject me because I don’t have any experience; I will be a failure.
Is my thinking based on fact?: No
Does my thinking help me achieve my goals?: No. My goal is to get a job.
Does my thinking help me feel the way I want to feel?: No. I want to feel satisfied and I want to feel like I have accomplished something.
Because I answered “no” to all three questions, it means that my thought was irrational.
Modified thought (1): If I go to the interview, I will do my best to show that, despite my lack of experience, I am eager to work and learn.
Modified thought (2): If I go to the interview and I don’t get the job, it doesn’t make me a failure. Instead of becoming disappointed in myself, I will be PROUD of myself for completing this task.
Modified thought (3): If I go to the interview and I don’t get the job, I will learn from this experience and better prepare myself for the next interview.
Do not let your mind trick you with irrational thoughts. Get in the habit of asking yourself these three rational questions and learn to modify your thoughts into rational ones.
With love & support, Molly
Flip the Script
We can be our own worst critic. When we don’t handle a situation the way we wanted to, or we don’t accomplish what we wanted to, we scold ourselves. We say self-deprecating things that slowly chip away our confidence and limit our ability to make progress.
Rather than speaking to ourselves in a self-deprecating way, we should be showing ourselves love and compassion. Self-love and self-compassion fuel our confidence and promotes change.
In order to show ourselves the love and compassion we should be, we need to change the way we speak to ourselves.
To do that, we must flip the script.
- I’m not good enough –> I am good enough
- I can’t do this –> I will do this to the best of my ability
- I’m such an idiot –> Everyone makes mistakes
- I’m so stupid –> There is always room to improve
- I’m a failure –> I will learn from this and try to do better next time
- This isn’t fair –> I will make the best of it
Breaking the cycle of negative self-talk, like breaking any bad habit, is going to take time. Be patient with yourself and give yourself the benefit of the doubt if you don’t always get it right.
With love & support, Molly
Establish A Support System
When we feel we are too weak to handle our anxiety and cannot trust our own thoughts, turning to those we trust can mean the difference between falling into the pit of despair or rising above it. Having a healthy support system is a vital component of successfully managing our anxiety.
A healthy support system includes those whom we can turn to without fear of being judged, mocked, or having our feelings invalidated. They show understanding and compassion, listen to us, acknowledge our feelings, encourage us to move forward, and celebrate our triumphs and victories, no matter how small. They also help us to sort out our thoughts by helping us to recognize when our thoughts have become irrational. They offer constructive suggestions, and when necessary, tell us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. They may even offer a new perspective, one we couldn’t see because we were so consumed by our anxious, negative thoughts.
A few years ago, my best friend drove two hours to visit me and to attend a Christmas party hosted by one of her life-long friends. I was nervous to go, but I knew that it would be fun, and I might actually enjoy myself. I also didn’t want my friend to miss the opportunity to see her childhood friend as well as her friend’s family. I powered through my anxiety and went.
The house was full of people and was buzzing with activity. I tried to push aside my anxiety, mingle, and join in on the games. I managed to play one game, but by the time the next one rolled around, my social meter had hit it’s max and I went into panic mode, consumed by an intense need to get out of house immediately. So, I did.
My anxiety had become so incapacitating that, as soon as I had made it outside, I burst into tears. A few minutes later, my friend, understanding how I was feeling, and knowing it was time for me to go, emerged from the house. I felt guilty for being the cause of us leaving the party early, but she didn’t judge me, she didn’t get mad at me, and she didn’t hold it against me. She consoled me as we headed back to my house, and my anxiety began to dissipate.
Having my best friend as a member of my support system has been the ultimate blessing.
Take note of those who genuinely support you and have your best interest at heart.
With love & support, Molly
Distancing From Negativity
To continue making headway in managing our anxiety, it is imperative that we distance ourselves from the negative people in our lives. Since we are easily influenced by the people we associate with, it would only harm our mental health and well-being to continue involving ourselves with negative people.
The energy people radiate is contagious, whether it is positive or negative, and it constantly flows through and around us. If we are continuously spending time with negative people, their negativity can influence our own energy, mood, and mindset.
A negative persons’ outlook leads them to believe that their life is only bad, and that there are only more bad things to come. They don’t see the good or are unwilling to find the good in a situation. When things don’t go their way, they will find a factor outside of themselves to blame. These negative people might be unhappy with multiple, if not all, aspects of their life, and regularly interacting with them will not benefit us in any way.
People who are frequently complaining about their life, and expressing their negativity, have a unhealthy mentality that can rub off on us, and can make us think and feel the same way about our life. Rather than focusing on their negativity, we need to focus on our own growth and development, and that means distancing ourselves from them.
While we may not be able to fully distance ourselves from all negative people, we can work towards limiting our interactions with them. We can limit how much time we spend with an individual, and we can limit how often we communicate with them. We can also seek out new friendships and relationships with people who are more positive, supportive, share similar goals and dreams, and make us feel happier.
Take time to think about who you are sharing your time with. If you find that you are surrounded by negative people or people who bring you down, then consider distancing yourself from them.
With love & support, Molly
Criticism
Hearing that we’re not performing to standards, or that we’re lacking in some way, is never something we want to hear, especially for a person with anxiety. Since being judged is something that we are fearful of, being criticized feels like the ultimate form of judgement.
We take what the other person is saying to heart, and we feel as if it’s a personal slight. It reinforces the negative things we think about ourselves- That we’re not good enough, we are not smart enough, we are bad at our jobs, etc. When those thoughts begin to flood in, we immediately shut down, become defensive, and refuse to hear what the person is saying, regardless of whether their intentions are pure.
Although criticism makes us feel unpleasant, it’s not always a bad thing. People often offer it to help us, and is intended to make us aware of something that we need to work on, or could improve in. It is not always presented to hurt us or to make us feel badly.
To avoid feeling slighted or offended by criticism, we need to look at the situation rationally, and with an open mind.
- Put our emotions and ego aside.
- Do not jump to conclusions before hearing what the person has to say.
- Try to understand if the person who is offering the criticism is doing so to provide helpful feedback meant to educate us and help us grow.
- Look at our own actions objectively to determine if their criticism holds any merit.
Recently, I found myself receiving criticism from one of the managers at my job. Almost immediately, I had made up my mind that whatever she was going to say to me, would be an attack on my person, and that I wasn’t going to hear what she had to say. I will admit that I was already frustrated before the incident took place, and I know that my frustration only added to my resistance in receiving the criticism.
In my mind, when it came to doing my job, I was always on point. I knew what needed to get done and I would always do my best to talk to guests, help them find what they were looking for, and make sales. I didn’t want her to make my feel like I was bad at my job, or that I wasn’t performing well, so I never gave her the chance. Everything she said to me went in one ear and out the other.
Looking back now, I know I reacted poorly. Because of the anxiety, the frustration, and anger I was feeling, I let that dictate how I acted. Rather than shutting down and jumping to conclusions, I should have kept a level head, and been open to receiving the feedback she was giving me. I know that, while I am good at my job, there is always room to improve.
Instead of rejecting criticism, and taking it as proof that our shortcomings define us, we need to remember that our feelings aren’t facts, and that it is not our worth or our character that is being judged.
With love & support, Molly
Mental Health Days
Taking mental health days are an important part of the process of managing your anxiety. Without taking the time to rest and recuperate, you run the risk of becoming mentally overwhelmed, and more likely to hit a breaking point.
You might be close to your breaking point if you experience any of the following:
- Sensory overload
- Trouble sleeping / staying asleep
- Extreme tiredness
- Increased irritability
- Low tolerance / patience
- High running emotions
If you are experiencing one, or all of the symptoms, then it’s time to take a day for yourself.
By allowing yourself to take a mental health day, you will be much more capable of managing your anxiety, and accomplishing tasks will seem less unnerving. Do things that make you feel good, reduce your stress levels, and do not require you to put out more energy than you have.
Self-Care Ideas
- Rest
- Limit your interactions with people
- Do something you enjoy
- Spend time outdoors
- Cuddle your furry friend
- Journal / write / read
- Stay hydrated
- Practice breathing
- Have a spa day
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I’m close to having a complete mental breakdown, I know that it’s time for me to take a mental health day. If I don’t, I find that I become more easily agitated, snapping at my friends and family over things that normally, would have only annoyed me slightly. I also find that when my emotions are heightened, I will act out in anger or cry uncontrollably.
It’s not a good feeling, feeling like I’m not in control of myself, so I do what I know will make me feel better. I like to sit outside in nature, go fishing, curl up in front of the T.V. with my dog, or use my time to write. Sometimes, I give myself a spa day. I’ll take a hot shower, put on a face mask, and give myself a pedicure. After doing those things, I know my body and mind will be better for it, and that I will be ready to tackle whatever I might face the next day.
Take a day to care for yourself. Self-care is neither selfish, nor something to feel guilty about.
With love & support, Molly
Write It Out
One characteristic of anxiety that is difficult for us to manage is our thought process. Our anxiety hinders our capability to think rationally, causes us to think of the worst case scenarios, and causes us to dwell on a negative situation or incident.
Writing about the unpleasant event or incident we’ve experienced is a great way for us to gain perspective, determine whether we are thinking rationally, and allows us to identify the root cause of what is making us upset, distressed, or anxious.
Whether we write about something that took place at home, work, or about something that happened with our significant others, it gives us the chance to unclutter and unburden our mind. By describing what the event was, how we reacted to it, or how it made us feel, it shows us what our thought process was like.
If we are thinking irrationally, we can pin-point if it’s due to any mental mistakes we’ve made, and we should adjust our thoughts accordingly. If we are jumping into worst case scenario, we should reassess, make a list of all the things that could go right, and focus on that instead. If we are dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation, we should give ourselves a time limit to think about it, and then center our attention on something else.
Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed, conflicted, or anxious, I write it out. I always feel better, like a weight has been lifted off of me, and my mind is clearer than before I started writing. It helps me sort out my thoughts, even if they come out as word vomit, spewed onto paper.
Every so often, my ramblings will lead me to a breakthrough. Either, it’s a validation of my feelings, or it’s a realization that my thoughts are irrational, having been skewed by my anxiety. This breakthrough might happen in the middle of writing, or at the very end, but once it happens, it’s a huge sigh of relief. Regardless of what my writing leads to, it restores my clarity, and I am able to take back control of my mind.
I encourage you all to try writing out your thoughts, even if it’s just once. You don’t have to be the next Shakespeare, and your writing only has to make sense to you. You may come away with a new perspective, or a fresh mindset, and that to me, makes it worth trying.
With love & support, Molly
Our Own Paths
We are constantly comparing our lives to others, and when we think we aren’t as successful or further along than we should be, we feel as if we are inadequate or failures.
We cannot allow ourselves to get swallowed up by feelings of inadequacy or failure. It’s important to remember that we all move at a different pace, accomplishing tasks at a different rate than others. Each person has their own path to follow, and those of us with anxiety are no exception. Our path just requires a few more steps and a bit more work.
- Remind ourselves often that others are on a different path
- Take breaks from social media
- Set realistic and obtainable goals
- Focus on where we are and not where we think we should be
- Keep working on managing our anxiety
- Take time to appreciate the progress we make
With love & support, Molly
The Backpack of Horrors
While The Backpack of Horrors may sound like the title of some low-budget, poorly filmed horror movie, I can assure you It’s not. The Backpack of Horrors is where I stored all of my negative experiences.
Anytime something made me uncomfortable, embarrassed, or nervous, I would take that feeling or event, and toss it into my backpack. I would then use those experiences as an excuse to avoid doing something in the future that was reminiscent of an experience I’ve already had.
It had become second nature for me to tote around my backpack, reach into it, pull out an event, and use it against myself. After acknowledging this, I knew I couldn’t keep carrying my backpack. Doing so only hurt my chances of making progress and of managing my anxiety. It fueled my fears, which in turn, prevented me from trying new things, making new memories, and having better experiences.
I tried to look at each new situation differently, while keeping in mind that my FEAR was what I thought would happen but didn’t actually happen. Little by little, I was able to empty my backpack of the negative and replace it with positive instead, and eventually, the good outweighed the bad.
If you find yourself carrying your own Backpack of Horrors, remember that lugging it around will not help you to move forwards on your path to managing your anxiety. Allow yourself to make new memories and experiences. Make it a Backpack of Positivity.
With love & support, Molly.
Fear
What is fear?
According to Merriam-Webster, fear is defined as “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.”
Fear is natural emotion that helps us recognize a dangerous situation, physical or psychological. It can occur in response to something that is happening in the present moment or in anticipation of a future event.
In therapy, I was told that FEAR was False Evidence Appearing Real. I was afraid of what I thought was going to happen without having the evidence that it would happen. My fears were based on theoretical outcomes that I had deceived myself into believing were the only outcomes.
With that in mind, I did my best to reassess situations and events that were inciting fear. Rather than mulling over all the possible negative outcomes, I tried to consider possible positive outcomes. By taking that approach, I was able to alleviate the intensity of fear that I was feeling.
My Experience
During my three months of quarantine, I was living my best life- a fairy-tale life. For someone who has social anxiety, having to stay home was pretty much perfect. I got comfortable with how things were, I established a routine, and I was content with only leaving the house when I needed to go grocery shopping. But then, the clock struck midnight and my fairy-tale ended. I got the call from my job stating that they would be re-opening their doors to the public in about a week. Immense fear and panic swallowed me whole. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to leave my fairy-tale bubble. I tried to come up with a million reasons why I didn’t need to go, but in the end, I knew that I had to.
For the entire week leading up to my first day back, I was on the phone crying to my mother, expressing my fears, hoping that she would tell me I didn’t have to go. She didn’t. She knew that giving me permission would only enable me, reinforcing the idea that my anxiety had power over me. Instead, she told me I had to push aside my fears, put on my big girl pants, and recognize that I had the power over my anxiety. And that’s what I did.
I knew that there were protocols set in place by my company to ensure the safety of their associates and customers. I knew there would be a limit on the capacity of the store, cleaning procedures, fitting room procedures, and check-out procedures. I knew all that I feared was not founded in reality, and that I was assuming the worst outcomes.
After completing my first day back, I felt proud and satisfied that I had made it through.
Take a moment to reassess the situation triggering your fear, and ask yourself if you have the evidence to substantiate your feelings. If you don’t, then focus on the positive aspects rather than the negative.
With love & support, Molly