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Wedding Planning When You Have Anxiety
What does wedding planning look like when you have anxiety? Well, it actually looks pretty much the same. Only, you overthink everything and it feels like making decisions is twice as hard. Thankfully, there are some really great tools available to help make things easier and as stress and anxiety free as possible.
When I got engaged in April of 2022 it was the most exciting moment of my life and I couldn’t wait to be married to my fiancé. We had eighteen months to plan our perfect wedding and while that was exciting, it was also a little daunting.
I was never one of those girls who had dreamt of their wedding day since they were a child. I also knew that because of my anxiety I didn’t want a big wedding. Something that was on the smaller scale with just close friends and family felt more like me.
Trying to figure out what we wanted our wedding to look like wasn’t actually that hard. The hardest part was figuring out where we needed to start beyond that.
Thank goodness for the best wedding planner because I would have been LOST without it. I had no idea what the first step in planning a wedding was supposed to be and this book helped me to do that.
Included in the book were checklists and worksheets that helped my fiancé and I identify what sort of budget we were looking at, what kind of vision we had for the wedding, and literally everything else in between.
This book was not only a life saver for wedding planning, but it also helped keep me on track and level headed so I didn’t get overwhelmed by all that we had to do.
Helpful Apps
There are plenty of wedding planning websites out there to help aid you in planning your big day.
The two that I found to be the most helpful (and are also apps) were: Zola, and The Knot. Both are great multipurpose apps that allow you to do a wide variety of things.
Zazzle is great for any stationary needs you have like wedding invites and thank you notes. Zazzle also frequently runs promotions so you’re never paying top dollar for what you need.
Note: The links listed above for Zola, The Knot and Zazzle are not affiliate links. They will just direct you to their website.
Zola & The Knot offer:
- Wedding checklist
- Guest list
- Vendors section to help you find venues, photographers, DJ’s, caterers, beauty artists, etc.
- Wedding registry
- Wedding website
- Save the Dates & Wedding Invitations & more (and free samples! Yay!)
Zazzle offers:
- Save the Dates
- Wedding invitations
- Wedding Banners or Posters
- Menus
- Thank you cards
- So much more!
These apps are like digital versions of the wedding planner book which makes them handy because you can have them on the go instead of carrying around the book with you.
For myself, while I really liked using the app, I preferred to have a physical book on hand where I can scribble notes and comments.
I used each app, and the book, for different things, so you really can’t go wrong if you decide to have all three.
Make a list & check it twice… or three times… or four times
Not only was the wedding planner extremely helpful in easing the wedding planning anxiety, but so were the many, many, many, lists I complied. I love my lists and I love my organization.
Whether it came down to finding the right dress, venue, photographer, DJ, etc. I had a list for it. I kept hand written lists in a specific notebook, spreadsheets in Microsoft Excel, and documents in Microsoft Word.
I kept a record of all possible contenders, their prices, and what was included in their services. I compared each of them to one another and against our budget to find the right fit for us.
If you’re a list person, having a notebook strictly for you wedding planning endeavors is a good way to go. It’ll help you keep organized and you can always add or remove from it.
Find support
Planning a wedding is no small feat and having a support system around me made a huge difference in how I handled the stress and anxiety of it all.
I leaned heavily on my parents and my maid of honor for support and a boost of morale when I needed it. Any time I began to feel overwhelmed, or if my brain was running a mile a minute, they were there to help ground me.
My friends and family were always there when I just needed to rant, or cry, or bounce ideas off of them. They helped me stay focused on the things that mattered and set aside the things that didn’t.
Without them, this entire journey would have been far more stressful.
Take a break
Far more goes into planning a wedding than I realized and it took a toll on me mentally and physically.
There were plenty of times when I had to put things on the back burner and walk away from them completely because I found myself getting more agitated or upset than was necessary.
Allowing myself to take a step away and take a break helped me relax and gave me clarity about things that were once causing so much turmoil.
Don’t run yourself ragged. Everything will work out and all the things that need doing will get done.
The big day
The countdown is ON! We’re actually just over two weeks away (16 days) from the big day and the stress is real.
I’ve been sticking to my timeline in my wedding planner book and I’ve got all of my lists handy to keep me on track and to keep things flowing. I wrote out all the rest of the things that need to be accomplished and I assigned specific dates to them so I don’t get overwhelmed by the entirety of it.
My mom has been on speed-dial and we talk just about every day. Sometimes it’s wedding related and sometimes it’s not. She always knows when and when not to bring up wedding things so I don’t get all wigged out.
I’ve also been making sure I have enough down time where I’m not dwelling on every tiny detail about the wedding.
Planning a wedding is already stressful enough, but when you have anxiety it can feel even more stressful.
Do your best to keep organized, whether that’s with a wedding planner or lists upon lists upon lists (or both), and don’t forget to take breaks. Surround yourself with people who can support you in times of stress or overwhelmingness, and who can help keep you grounded.
Also, definitely don’t forget to allow yourself to have fun and enjoy the process. Getting married is such an exciting thing and I think it’s easy to forget that when our heads are filled to the brim with everything we have to accomplish.
Have fun & happy wedding planning!
With Love & Support,
Molly.
How Working Retail Helped Me Overcome My Anxiety
Working in retail helped me overcome my anxiety by pushing me out of my comfort zone, allowed me to grow my confidence, helped me develop my skills in communication and opened doors I never thought possible.
When I got my first job, I really was only doing it because it was the next step in becoming a “normal, functioning human being.” It was what kids my age were doing or had been doing since they were 16.
At 20, getting a job seemed to be the logical thing to do. Every one of my friends were making their own money, going out and doing things, and buying things. If I wanted to join them, I either had to ask my parents for money or my friends. They, graciously and thankfully, usually offered to pay. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t go.
I was beginning to feel like a burden, and not just financially. I also felt like I was missing out on a lot.
A BOOST IN CONFIDENCE
When I got my first job and started to make my own money, my confidence was the first thing I noticed that improved. While working was a little scary at first, I quickly realized how good I was.
I had a few moments where I was like “woah, look at me doing the things I never thought were possible for me.” It does something warm and fuzzy on the inside to me because I realized that I’m actually, truly, capable of doing scary and hard things.
Not only that, but it also felt good to be able to earn my own money and join in on activities and adventures with my friends. I no longer had to feel badly about asking my parents or friends to spot me anymore and that was an incredible feeling.
BETTER COMMUNICATION
Not only did I see an improvement in my confidence and happiness, but it also taught me how to be a better communicator.
Making friends in school was hard for me. My anxiety always stood in the way of me trying to strike up a conversation or made it difficult to keep one flowing. In retail, being able to communicate and build a rapport with customers was essential to building a connection with them.
I learned about “open ended questions,” which are questions that someone can’t just respond “yes” or “no” to. They are questions that can start with “how” or “what.”
Example: What brings you in today? How are you? What can I help you with today?
Using these types of open ended questions require the customer to respond in a way that leaves the door open for further conversation.
I also learned how complimenting someone went a long way in starting up a conversation as well.
Now, it’s so much easier to start conversations and to keep them going.
BREAKING HABITS
Working also had its challenges though. During our store meetings and we would have to role-play and my anxiety would shoot through the roof. I despised being the center of attention and wanted to avoid it at all costs.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t always get out of them, which ended up being a good thing. Being pushed out of my comfort zone and being exposed to those situations made them less scary.
I still didn’t necessarily like being in those situations, but I also didn’t try to avoid them either. I just let the anxiety move through me and then did the best I could.
Another challenge I faced was receiving criticism. I always ended up taking it super personally and took what they were saying to heart. It took me a while to realize they weren’t attacking me or my character.
Taking constructive criticism helped me in my regular day-to-day life as well. I learned I didn’t need to personalize everything and turn it into a negative comment or feeling about myself.
SETTING & MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES,
After a few years, I ended up in a leadership position and have maintained a leadership position since. Being a leader requires a whole new set of skills – skills that I didn’t think came easily by me.
As a leader, I had to be firm, but reasonable. I needed to be able to set and maintain boundaries. It also meant that I had to be able to have hard and difficult conversations, and I needed to stand up for, not only myself, but my associates and the business.
Some things came easier than others, but over time, I learned how to handle hard or difficult situations and I was no longer afraid of them either. Dealing with irate or angry customers is never fun, but I don’t cower away from them now.
Being a leader in retail has helped me to stand my ground and stand up for myself in my life outside of work.
I’ve learned and grown so much over all the years and I can’t possibly fit everything into this post. These are just the few things that have made the biggest impact on me and my anxiety.
I have seen a very noticeable difference in the way that I manage my anxiety and I’ve overcome quite a bit. I no longer struggle the way I used to and it’s all thanks to my little retail job.
With Love & Support,
Molly
My Post Interview Anxiety & How I Handled It
The hard part is over. I made it through the first interview I’ve had in six years. Yay me!
The initial adrenaline rush is gone, my soul shaking nerves are gone, but the gears in my head are still going and there’s this funky, fuzzy and static feeling in my gut.
After the interview, I thought everything would be fine and all the nerves and panic and everything would just… poof. I had really worked myself up over the whole thing and I was looking forward to the moment where it all disappeared.
But, literally a few minutes after the interview was over, and after a phone call to my mom to let update her on how it went, I was replaying the entire thing over in my head and that funky, fuzzy, static feeling in my gut persisted.
I was replaying what they said and the questions they asked and I was wishing I had said ‘this’ instead of ‘that,’ and I was beating myself up and feeling embarrassment over the minor fumble I had over ONE question.
I tried to move on with my day and tried to not keep thinking about the interview. I went to work and did my job and I felt… okay. I wasn’t feeling perfect, or great even, but I thought it went well and I tried to let myself feel proud of getting through that moment.
Being at work helped keep my thoughts elsewhere but on my way home that night, I had a complete breakdown in my car. (While I was driving on the highway, no less!) All the emotions that had been building up over the course of two or three days had finally erupted. The crying started, which quickly evolved into SOBBING. My chest got tight and it was hard to breath. My body felt like it was rigid from all the tension.
It’s been a few days now since the interview, and with a few days to process and with the release of all the emotional tension, I’m feeling better. I don’t feel 100% just yet due to the lingering anxiety that’s still there, but I don’t feel worse so I’ll take it.
While I wait to hear back from the company I interviewed for, I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied on other things so I don’t work myself up over it (again), and so I don’t keep replaying the interview over and over (and over) again in my head.
I read an entire 400+ page book in two days, I’ve been watching cute movies on Netflix, I’ve been doing other writing things, and I’ve been trying not to obsessively check and refresh my emails 100 times a day.
Over all, I’d say I handled things in about the way I expected I would.
Mental breakdown? CHECK!
Over analyze? CHECK!
Replay the entire interview? CHECK!
Beat myself up for a small mistake? CHECK!
Bury myself in anything else to avoid thinking about it? CHECK!
The key take-away for myself here is that I did the best the could (during the interview) and I should be proud of myself for powering through it and I should also be proud of myself for doing the one thing that gives me the most anxiety.
I had written a post months ago about how to conquer interviews when you have anxiety and, for the most part, I followed the advice I’d given to you all. Mostly.
It had been a long time since I had an interview and I realized that when your in an anxious state, it’s hard to remember all the useful and helpful tools you’ve learned and it’s harder to put them to use.
My reminders for you are these:
Do the best you can because that’s all you can do.
Try to use what you’ve learned to help keep yourself calm and try, try, try, not to overthink everything too hard.
Try not to beat yourself up over any fumble or mistake you made during it and instead, try to forgive yourself for it. We’re not perfect. Sometimes we fumble.
Take a moment to congratulate yourself for getting through it and give yourself a pat on the back.
Be proud of what you’ve just done! You did a scary and brave thing! That’s so freaking awesome!
If you have to cry, then totally cry! It’s just a way of releasing all the emotion and the tension that you’ve built up and it’s a completely normal response.
Take what you’ve learned from this experience and apply it to the next one.
With Love & Support,
Molly
My First Interview in SIX years!
Woah! It’s been six long years since I’ve had to interview for a job! All I can say is, “wow!” and that my anxiety was at an all time high!
After having been in retail for nine years, and being at my current store for six of them, it was a little difficult to warm up to the idea of having to sit through an interview. Knowing how, in the past, I’ve handled situations like this, I was NOT looking forward to it.
The feelings that arose were reminiscent of the days when I had major, major, anxiety attacks over these kinds of things, and I gotta tell ya, I don’t miss those days one bit.
When I found out I had secured an interview, I felt fine at first – semi-confident even, and I thought to myself, “Wow, you are handling this so well and my old self would be so proud of you right now!”
But then, (dun, dun, dunnn), the bubble guts hit, the heart rate accelerated, the sweaty palms and hot flashes started, and the brain kicked into overdrive. The interview was all I could think of. More like obsess over.
When I was at home, I occupied myself by watching four episodes of The Voice so I wouldn’t have to think about the impending doom.
Unfortunately, the later it got, the worse my anxiety got.
I stayed up for two, maybe three, hours researching “common interview questions,” copy and pasting them into my notes app, and answering them.
Funnily, I felt like they weren’t that difficult to answer, thanks to my work experience and knowledge, but… that wasn’t good enough for my anxious mind. I needed to know ALL the questions. I needed to have ALL the answers. So, I kept digging.
Eventually, I reached a point where I had to say to myself that what I was doing wasn’t helpful anymore and it was only fueling my anxiety, and I had to stop.
I put my phone down, turned off the bedside lamp, and tried to get some sleep. Without much luck, unfortunately.
Another hour passed as the gears in my head kept turning. I was having fake conversations, creating fake scenarios and situations, and still, fueling my anxiety.
I really tried to interrupt my snowballing thoughts and say to myself: Molly, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay and you got this. You can do this. I started saying to myself: You are strong and brave and courageous and you are going to absolutely fine. You have all the answers you need.
I also had to remind myself that, even if I don’t get this job afterwards, it’s totally fine. It doesn’t mean that I’m any less valuable or worthy. It just means that I wasn’t the right fit for the job, and that’s totally understandable.
Eventually, I was able to drift off to sleep. It was a sleep with lots of tossing and turning, but at least I got some sleep.
This morning, (the day of the interview), I tried my best to stay composed and positive and tried not to work myself up too much. As hard as I tried, my anxiety was coming through. I didn’t feel nearly as bad or anxious as I had last night, but the anxiety was still lingering – my hands were shaking and my stomach was bubbling something fierce.
On the plus side, I hadn’t completely broken down into tears and ugly cried like my life depended on it. (Yay! Progress!).
If you’re like me, and you really, truly struggle with situations like these, I’m going to put the links to the sites where I found the common interview questions here and here.
You can copy and paste, or handwrite, the questions and then answer them yourselves.
Take your time reading the questions, think about your answer first, and then write your answer down.
If you already have work experience, great! That’ll really help you a lot and you will be able to draw from your experiences.
If you don’t have any experience, no worries! You can use relevant examples from your life.
Try not to make up an answer, you want to be as authentic as possible. Consider saying: “While I haven’t had that kind of experience or been in that type of situation before, if faced with (that), I would do (this).
I know it’s hard to stay calm and level-headed under stress and pressure like this, but try your best and implement practices and calming techniques you’re familiar with to help.
Best of luck! (To both of us!)
We got this!
With love and support,
Molly
How To Conquer Interviews When You Have Anxiety
Sitting through an interview, which can already be an intimidating thing, can feel even more intimidating when you mix that with an anxiety disorder. There might not be a magical hack to make your anxiety about this event completely disappear but prepping beforehand will make a huge difference. Whether it’s your first interview ever, or even your third or fourth one, any bit of prep can help.
One of the scariest, most uncomfortable things I’ve done in my entire life was go to an interview. Sure, there are plenty of other things that one might find scarier, but for me… I’ve never experienced anxiety to such an extreme level. My first interview may not have gone so well, but I learned a lot through the experience and I’m here to share that with you.
First things first, super congrats on applying for a job! That’s a victory in and of itself, so make sure you take a moment to celebrate that!
Me cheering you on! You are so awesome! What To Expect
Now, there’s really no telling what the interview will be like or what the person interviewing you might be like, so try your best not to assume anything- especially the worst about either. That may only exacerbate any anxiety you’re already having.
Also, don’t assume that just because I had a bad first experience, or your friend did, or your Aunt Sally and your Uncle Tom did, that you will also have a bad experience. Remember, assuming anything without having the facts is a common mental mistake,
Anyways, more often than not, depending on where you’re interviewing you might be taken to a stock room, the food court, an office, a restaurants dining area, etc. The interviewer will sit you down and they may have your application on hand along, and they will ask you questions relevant to the position you’ve applied for.
Note: Regardless of where you’ve applied, be sure to dress appropriately. You always want to make sure that you don’t look like you’ve just thrown on the first thing you found in your closet.
Some interviews are over quickly, taking only 15 minutes to a half-hour. Some take longer, lasting about an hour or sometimes a little longer. After the interview is over, they will let you know they’ll contact you to inform you of their decision. Sometimes, they might even hire you on the spot!
How To Prepare
Research common interview questions.
A quick google search will bring up a plethora of results. One of the best sites I’ve come across was published by Indeed, who also offers how to answer these questions. You can access that here. After finding the questions you want, or think you’ll be asked, write out your answers and study them.
Make flash cards.
Make flash cards of the questions and practice answering them. You can even set up a mock interview with a family member or a friend. Think of it as studying for a test- although, you don’t want to sound robotic or too stiff when in the actual interview. And don’t be afraid to show them a bit of your pizzazz!
Be sure to practice your breathing exercises.
Practice often and especially on the day of the interview, to ensure you remain as calm and level-headed as possible. Any time you begin to feel like you might freak out or head straight for a panic attack- breathe.
Couple breathing exercises with journaling.
Put your thoughts on paper. Getting them out of your head may help declutter the mess and help you refocus your thoughts. Keep your eye out for any mental mistakes!
Complete the Three Rational Questions.
This technique is used to help you make sense of the mess of thoughts rolling about in your brain. This will allow you to stay rational and dispel any negative thoughts you’re having.
Keep your mind calm.
Try listening to an anxiety podcast, doing a meditation, or listening to soothing music. Pandora has a great selection of calming playlists such as: Native American Flute Radio (one of my faves), Mediation Spa Radio, New Age Ambient Radio, and 8d Relaxium Radio.
Give yourself friendly reminders.
Remind yourself that no matter what happens, your worth isn’t dependent on the outcome of the interview. You are always worthy. You are always brave. You are always strong. You are always smart. You are always valued and valuable.
Remind yourself that the world won’t end if you don’t end up with the result you wanted. When one door closes another one opens. If you don’t get this job, you can still get the next one.
Get a good night’s sleep.
When faced with any anxiety inducing situation, I know sleep tends elude us at all costs, so to avoid being over-tired AND overwhelmed make sure to head to bed as early as you can. Stay off of social media and turn off any distractions. If listening to calming music will help you sleep better, then that’s totally fine.
It’s GO Time
Depending on how early our interview is try getting up a few moments earlier to review your flash cards if you’ve made them or look over your questions/answers. Once again, try to resist the urge to obsessively read over them.
Finally, with all your prep finished, it’s time to SMASH that interview! You totally got this!
Sending you virtual hugs! You did it! You went to that interview and conquered your fear and it’s time to celebrate! Now, I know that it might have been an overwhelming experience but take a second to acknowledge that you did an amazing and courageous thing.
If you feel like you need to cry, then cry it out! I certainly did after my first interview… and my second and third one.
No matter what, no matter the results, I’m proud of you!
With love and support, Molly
Self-Limiting Beliefs and How to Overcome Them
Self-limiting beliefs are the negative self-perceptions that are rooted in our conscious and subconscious and keep us from achieving success in our lives and/or careers. These are the negative things we say and think about ourselves and our capabilities.
The subconscious belief system about ourselves influences things like our behavior, thoughts, feelings, and reinforces our core beliefs.
Our core beliefs are the central ideas we have about ourselves that we perceive as the truth. Core beliefs can be both positive and negative.
Just as affirmations are meant to empower and motivate us, self-limiting beliefs act against that and impact our ability to undertake important tasks and make important decisions.
What we constantly tell ourselves, whether it be positive or negative, we end up believing. For that is why we need to be aware and mindful of things we say to ourselves, consciously or not.
EXAMPLES OF SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS:
Using self-limiting phrases hinders our ability to succeed and to cope with many anxiety inducing situations.
These phrases usually look something like this:
- I am a failure
- I am not good at this
- I am not good enough
- I can’t do this
- I am not ready
- I must be stupid
- I don’t have the experience
- I should be better at this
If you’ve said any of these things before, or used similar phrases, you are not alone. Most people, even those without anxiety, struggle with self-limiting beliefs. Yes! Even professionals, actors, and entrepreneurs!
HOW TO OVERCOME YOUR SELF-LIMITING BELIEFS
In order to overcome your self-limiting beliefs, you need to be able to identify them and correct them when they occur.
IDENTIFY & WRITE IT DOWN
Take a moment to reflect on things you’ve said in the past, or even things you’ve said today. Did you use any of the phrases above? If so, then you’ve identified a limiting belief! Go ahead and write that belief down.
DETERMINE ITS ACCURACY
After you’ve identified a limiting belief and written it down, analyze its accuracy. Does it have merit? Do you have evidence to back up that belief? Is this belief stemming from a place of fear or from a past experience?
REEVALUATE THE “EVIDENCE”
Self-limiting beliefs can be so deeply rooted that we take past traumatic or negative events as all the “evidence” we need.
We tend to ignore other instances where there has been information that contradicts that belief.
Take a moment to consider times when you’ve proven a belief to be false.
REFRAME THE BELIEF
To develop real change in your self-limiting beliefs, and in turn, your core beliefs, you need to challenge your thoughts.
Monitor your thoughts more closely and work to modify any negative thoughts.
When you begin to have those thoughts, interrupt them immediately. Saying to yourself, “hey!” or “stop!” will prevent the negative thought from taking root. Remind yourself that this limiting belief is not based on any truth.
Reframe your negative thought into a positive one.
Avoid phrases such as: “I can’t…”, “I must…”, “I am not…”, “I don’t…”, “I should…”.
Try looking to affirmations for support. Pinterest is a great place to start your search! You can even find an “Affirmations” section on my Instagram @anxiousgirlscaryworld.
BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF
Reframing your thoughts and changing your self-limiting beliefs is going to take work. Hard work. You might not get it right the first few times, and that’s okay. It’s going to take time and practice before you start to really get the hang of it.
Don’t beat yourself up for having a negative thought, you can’t always have a positive frame of mind 24/7. You’re only human. Just do your best, that’s all you can do anyways.
Overcoming your self-limiting beliefs and changing your core beliefs is possible. Keep practicing, keep reframing and reinforcing those positive thoughts.
Remind yourself that those old thoughts are invalid, outdated and sooo out of style!
“Get in
loserlover, we’re healing from past trauma and falling in love with life again.”With love and support, Molly
Overcoming Eye Contact Anxiety
The ability to make and maintain eye contact is an important aspect of everyday social interaction and helps strengthen connections between personal and professional relationships.
For people who have an anxiety disorder, making eye contact is often uncomfortable and any amount prolonged eye contact can arouse feelings of vulnerability and judgement, and can be perceived as threatening.
It is imperative that we understand that while feelings of discomfort and judgement will arise, we are not in any danger and making eye contact is harmless. In fact, making and maintaining eye contact is beneficial.
How making eye contact is beneficial:
- It makes you more memorable
- It makes what you’re saying believable
- You are perceived as confident and intelligent
- Helps create a solid connection with whom you are speaking
- Shows that you are attentive
Throughout your life you will undoubtedly have to have face-to-face conversations- that much is certain. Whether it’s an interview or a meeting, a trip to the grocery store or at a fast-food drive-thru window, you will be faced with daunting task of making eye contact.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to continue to be daunting.
Ways to overcome eye contact anxiety:
Have conversations with someone you feel safe with and focus on making eye contact with that person. You can ask them to alert you when/if they see you pulling away too often. (Tip: It is okay to break away for a moment, just as long as you make eye contact again.)
Count to five in your head and do your best to maintain eye contact during that time. When five seconds becomes less uncomfortable, add a few more seconds and try to hold it. If you find that a five-count gives you trouble, lower the count to three seconds and practice maintaining contact for that time. Once that becomes tolerable, try to hold for a longer count.
Find a different spot on the persons face to focus on. You can look at a spot that is slightly above their eyes or between the eyes.
Challenge yourself. Each time you go to the store or eat out, challenge yourself to make eye contact with your cashier or server.
Remind yourself that you are safe.
In an attempt to protect myself, I would avoid making eye contact with just about anyone outside of my immediate family and my best friends. Most of the time this was an unconscious thing, but I was aware that I was doing it.
It wasn’t until I started to look for my first job that I really understood the importance of making eye contact with someone.
I wanted to make a good impression, obviously, so I knew that I had to start trying to make eye contact and maintain it. Being aware of my aversion was already half the battle. The next step was to consciously choose to look people in the eye.Whenever I was eating out, or paying, or just speaking with anyone, I was telling myself, “Ok, Molly, look up from what you’re doing,” or “Don’t forget to make eye contact,” “You’re doing great! Hold for just a moment longer!”
The more I did this, the better it got. Rather than having to remind myself, which I still do at times, making eye contact became a normal reflex. I spend less time in my head and more time being able to truly listen or speak to someone.
Remember, things get easier with time and practice. You may feel uncomfortable or uneasy now, but it won’t feel that way forever. Keep in mind what you’ll gain. You so totally got this!
With love and support, Molly
Therapy for Anxiety
One of the most widely-used methods for treating individuals with anxiety is CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is also commonly known as talk-therapy, and takes place with a licensed mental health professional.
This form of therapy is designed to help you learn how to identify and understand your thought patterns and behaviors, as well as equip you with the tools needed to help you successfully cope with and manage your anxiety.
When to seek therapy?
When your anxiety becomes too much for you to manage on your own or has begun to interfere with your daily life, it is recommended that you seek out professional help.
Not only that, but if you’ve found that your anxiety is increasing in intensity, leading to panic attacks, or your coping mechanisms are no longer effective, it might be a sign that you require additional support.
Benefits of Therapy:
One of the advantages of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that your progress can be seen relatively quickly, within a matter of a few sessions. It must be kept in mind, though, that in order for progress to be made, you have to put in the work and effort that is required.
Another advantage is that the strategies you learn can be implemented into about every aspect of your everyday life. The tools and techniques you learn will help you cope better with any stressful events that you encounter in the future.
Therapy also offers you another level of support and provides you with a safe space to talk openly about your feelings, thoughts, and emotions.
What You Can Expect:
After meeting with a therapist, he/she will decide what your treatment plan will look like and how often you’ll meet.
Depending on the severity of your anxiety, it is possible that they recommend medication be taken as well. However, that decision will ultimately remain yours.
He/she may also assign tasks for you to complete such as: reading a specific book, journaling regularly, meditating, or other assignments.
Exposure therapy might be recommended as well. Exposure therapy, which is exactly as it sounds, exposes you gradually to a feared situation until that fear is eliminated.
During your sessions, you might talk, cry, yell, or all of the above, and that’s okay! All are allowed! It’s best that you are as open and honest as you can be. That’s when the best progress made!
Reminders:
It’s okay if you and your therapist click right away. It may take multiple sessions for you to feel at ease with them.
If, at any point, you feel that you and your therapist are not a match, that’s okay too! It can take some people a few tries to find someone who you connect well with. Don’t give up!
Don’t get discouraged if you don’t make progress as quickly as you’d like. As they say, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
Do. The. Work. In order for you to truly make progress, it’s imperative that you do the work. The process works if you work it.
Becoming more aware of your thought patterns and behaviors and recognizing triggers is just the first important step. Knowing when and how to implement the tools you’ll learn is next important step.
The biggest difference between successful anxiety management and unsuccessful management is your ability to put to use what you learn.
Good luck on your journey! I’m rooting for you!
With love and support, Molly
Anxiety and Memory Loss
How many times have you been having a conversation with someone and half way through you forgot what you were talking about to begin with? How many times have you just read something and had no recollection of it? If you answered “lots of times,” or “all the time” then you may have experienced memory loss due to anxiety.
People with anxiety disorders generally experience short-term memory loss rather than long-term memory loss, meaning that you’ll still be able to remember significant events that you’ve experienced throughout your life.
Memory loss happens when there is an excessive elevation in cortisol levels over an extended period of time. Normally, cortisol helps kick-start our fight or flight response which can be a good thing for us, but for those of us who are constantly in states of high anxiety, the elevated levels of cortisol can impair our ability to recall or retrieve memories.
Not only that, but since individuals with anxiety also tend to have, not just one train of thought, but multiple trains of thought, it’s easy for some memories to get lost along the way. With so many thoughts bouncing around all at once it’s no surprise that a few things might slip our mind.
Poor sleep patterns and habits can also attribute to memory loss. Getting enough sleep is an essential part of forming memories. While we sleep the brain can consolidate any information we’ve gained throughout the day and then store it in our brain as memories.
Memory loss due to anxiety is common, yet it frequently goes unnoticed because we face more prominent and easily recognizable symptoms of anxiety.
We May Forget:
- Directions
- Pieces of information you just read
- Important deadlines
- Daily tasks
- Conversations that just took place
- Social events and/or birthdays
How to Combat Memory Loss
** This section contains links, but they are not affiliate links, meaning that I will not receive any compensation if you click, subscribe, or sign-up for these services. These links are included purely as a way to direct you to sites I highly recommend. **
To help us contend with short-term memory loss, there are few things we can do.
Use a notebook or planner to schedule events, birthdays, deadlines, or daily tasks. Write down directions as they’re given so we have a hard copy to reference. Take notes, and lots of them, whenever possible.
Try mental exercises. Websites like Lumosity (available for download on the Apple and Google app store) offers free and premium brain games that train your brain and help improve memory. Doing puzzles such as crosswords and sudoku (my fave), have been found to help improve memory health as well.
Get a good night’s sleep and let your brain store those memories! Implement a sleep schedule to help you establish a routine that ensures you’ll hit your full eight hours. Turn off your electronic devices if you can, but if not, try playing relaxing music or meditations.
I am constantly telling my friends and co-workers I suffer from the “Dory Syndrome” because I’m always forgetting information that was just relayed to me or losing my train of thought mid-sentence. At first I said this as a joke, but then I realized that this was happening pretty regularly and has been for quite some time.
Dory from Finding Nemo I never thought about my “Dory Syndrome” as being a completely real and valid thing until recently. Because of the frequency in which this was happening, I decided to do a little bit of research and I found that this is a common, yet less obvious symptom of anxiety.
The more I look back on conversations or interactions I’ve had, the more I can see the moments where the memory loss occurred. There are a few instances where I was asked a question by a member of management, and even though I knew I knew the answer, I couldn’t find it or verbalize it- the answer was no longer in my brain but floating around somewhere in the stratosphere.
Now that I’m more aware of this memory loss and how often it occurs, I rely a lot more on writing things down. I have a giant desk calendar at work where I jot anything and everything down. I have a billion-and-one notes saved on my phone. I have alarms set to go off for events and bills that I scheduled in my calendar on my phone as well. I also have quite the collection of sudoku puzzle books and a sudoku puzzle app!
If you find that you are experiencing the “Dory Syndrome,” or short-term memory loss, your anxiety could be the cause.
You can combat this by ensuring that you record things like events, birthdays, payments, etc. in a planner or notebook, by trying your hand at some brain games or puzzles, and by getting better sleep.
Remember, as always, you are not alone!
With love and support, Molly
Five Things To Stop Doing If You Have Anxiety
Trying to successfully manage your anxiety every day is no small feat. It takes a lot of energy day in and day out, and after a while it can begin to take a toll on you mentally and physically. To help you better manage your anxiety there are a few things that you should stop doing.
Comparing
Each of us is unique in our own way. We all have our own quirks, which is what sets us apart from the next person and makes us special. Your body, your mind, your skills, the way you laugh, your style, is all unique to you. The same thing goes for your journey. Your journey is your own. Everyone obtains certain goals and accomplishes certain things at their own rate. Try to stop thinking that you have to have accomplished this or that just because so and so did. Remember that life is not a race, nor a competition. Constantly comparing yourself and your path to others will only invite more anxiety into your life, as well as feelings of inadequacy, and it could lead to depression.
Limit the time you spend on Instagram or Facebook, unfollow / unfriend people whose posts leave you feeling unworthy, unhappy, and uninspired.
Overthinking
I know, I know. Easier said than done, right?
Overthinking for some people has become second nature. You don’t even have to try to overthink, you just do. Rather than constantly giving into the incessant flow of negative thoughts and allowing them to consume you, try to recognize your thoughts for what they are- thoughts. You don’t have to avoid thinking, that’s nearly impossible. You can mull things over for a bit, but if mulling over turn into dwelling, then that’s when you need to put a stop to it.
If you can, try to find an activity to take your mind off things for a while. Try your hand at journaling to get the mess of what’s happening in your head on to paper. It might just help put your mind at ease.
Avoiding
Avoidance is a typical response to anxiety when it hits. While avoiding your fears seems like the ideal way to go, it will only make your fear far worse and much scarier.
Try facing your fears head on. Little by little, the fear you feel will begin to dissipate. Commit to tackling one small thing at a time.
Neglecting Yourself
Putting yourself first is one of the most important, yet most neglected aspect of supporting your mental health. Actually taking time to rest, do nothing, recharge, and relax is not selfish. It’s much needed and often taken for granted. How can you expect to be at your best if you are run down, over-worked, over-stressed, and exhausted? Simply, you can’t. Your body needs time to rest and heal. Your mind needs time process and slow down. Not taking the time necessary to recuperate, you run the risk of experiencing burn-out, and that’s exactly what we want to avoid.
Try to make time for yourself. Do something you enjoy or something that makes you feel good. Give yourself permission to rest.
Suffering In Silence
Dealing with a mental illness can make you feel alone. It can make you feel isolated. You feel as if you have no one who could possibly understand what you are going through, or you feel as if people will think your mental illness is a silly figment of your imagination, and therefore you feel as if you have to suffer through it alone.
The good news is that you don’t. There are so many others out there who are dealing with the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions as you. There are endless platforms out there where support is waiting to be given, and there are mental health professionals who are qualified and trained to help you along the way.
Over time, each of these things will become easier to not do. Try your best to more aware of when / if you begin to do any of these things and stop it in it’s tracks.
I believe in you!
With love and support, Molly
Easing Back To School Anxiety
School is back in session!
The start of the new school year also means the start of the BTS (back to school) anxiety.
I for one, have always dreaded that first day. My anxiety always seemed to increase ten-fold during my first few days back to school than at any other time. I always used to say that I wished I could skip over that first week or two of adjustment and just enter in already knowing where my classes where, who my teachers were, what lunch I had and where to sit, and whether I had classes with any of my friends.
If I had known then what I know now, my first days might not have been so nerve wracking. With these few tips, hopefully you can have a much better start to your school year.
Things To Keep In Mind:
There are hundreds (or thousands, maybe millions) of others who are just as nervous as you are about the first day back. It’s okay to be nervous! You aren’t the only one!
The first day back is always the toughest, but every day after will get easier. Give yourself time to adjust to all the newness. Before you know it, you’ll have found your rhythm.
You have survived every first day of school you’ve ever had, and you will survive this one.
In times of high anxiety, your mind might want to wander to worst case scenarios or if you feel yourself beginning to catastrophize, try to remind yourself that this way of thinking is irrational and serves no purpose but to fuel your anxiety rather than quell it.
How To Prepare:
Make a list of any and all school supplies you need. Whether your heading into middle school, high school, or heading away to college for the first time, you can never go wrong with a list.
Discuss any fears and anxieties with a friend or a loved one. By voicing your concerns and sharing your worst case scenario thoughts, your friends and loved ones can help you to realize the improbability of these situations taking place.
Journal about your fears and anxieties. If you don’t feel up to talking, or you still feel you have more on your mind, then journaling can help to alleviate the seemingly ceaseless barrage of negative thoughts.
Trade the “what if this goes wrong” for the “what if this goes right” thoughts. Rather than constantly assuming the worst, try to think of all the good possibilities.
Example: “What if I don’t make any friends,” turns into “What if I make the best friends.”
Get your eight hours of sleep, or try your best to. Getting a good nights rest before the big day will help your concentration, and boost your level of productivity. If you can, try to avoid having any caffeine too late in the day as well.
Build your first day of school look the night before, or put together a few outfits. If you’re anything like me, and change your mind (and your outfit) at least 3-4 times before finally deciding on the winning outfit, be sure to get up a little earlier to account for the wardrobe changes.
Pack your lunch the night before. This will save you time in the morning and eliminate any last minute rushing that might make you more anxious.
Whether you’re going back to school in person, or taking hybrid classes, any amount of anxiety you have about the new school year is normal and completely understandable.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, give yourself time to adjust, and remember, you are not alone!
You so totally got this!
With love and support, Molly
How To Stay Inspired While Working Towards Your Goals
Inspiration comes in waves. When we feel that initial swell of inspiration, like a surfer, we ride the wave. But the wave doesn’t always last, and just like the waves on the ocean that break and crash into the shoreline, the inspiration we feel also begins to break and crash.
As our inspiration fades, it becomes harder to stay focused on achieving our goals. So, how can we ensure that we stay inspired and motivated? Below are some tips to keep ourselves inspired.
Define Your Goal:
First and foremost, it’s important to have a specific goal in mind that you want to achieve. Take a moment to consider what you are working towards and create a goal that is aligned with that. Once you’ve created your goal, write it down.
Break it Down:
After deciding what your goal is, the next step is to determine how you can achieve that goal. To do that, you should break down our main goal into smaller goals and work towards completing each. By breaking down your main goal into smaller goals, it helps you to avoid becoming overwhelmed and losing motivation early on.
Create a Realistic Timeline:
Take a look at each goal you’ve set and consider how long it will realistically take you to accomplish that goal.
Just like breaking your goal down helps you to avoid becoming overwhelmed, so does coming up with a reasonable timeline. Make sure you give yourself enough time to accomplish the goals you’ve set for yourself. As much as you’d like to get to the end result as quickly as possible, rushing through the process could cause an increase in stress and anxiety, and could lead to burning out more quickly.
Save Inspirational Quotes & Messages:
** This section contains links, but they are not affiliate links, meaning that I will not receive any compensation if you click, subscribe, or sign-up for these services. These links are included purely as a way to direct you to sites I highly recommend. **
One of the surefire ways to keep yourself inspired and motivated is to have a collection of inspirational and motivational quotes, messages, or affirmations handy. You can find positive quotes and messages nearly anywhere you look or you can create your own personalized messages.
Pinterest is one of the best destinations to find uplifting quotes. With millions of Pins to choose from, you can add them to your own personalized album or save them to your phone or computer. To create your own uplifting quotes and messages, you can use Canva which offers free templates to be designed and edited however you choose. Of course, a good old-fashioned Google search isn’t a bad way to go either.
Sometimes, all you might need is a small dose of positivity to give yourself a boost and keep you focused on meeting your goals, and with a collection of inspirational quotes and messages so easily accessible, you can tap into them at any time, anywhere.
This image was created on Canva. Make Time For Fun:
To resist stress and anxiety, be sure to make time for fun. Take breaks and take them often. Engage in activities that you enjoy to give your mind and body time to decompress. Taking time for yourself doesn’t mean you are procrastinating and putting your goal on the back burner. Remember, you don’t have to accomplish all of your goals all at once.
“Where people aren’t having fun, they seldom produce good work.”
David OgilvyFind a Community:
Find a group of people who are working towards the same goal as yourself. There are a number of communities on Facebook and Instagram with like-minded individuals who want to accomplish the same thing as you. Being part of a community can offer support, guidance, and inspire you to keep growing and reach your goal. Not only that, but they can also help keep you accountable.
Envision Your Finish Line:
What is waiting for you at the finish line? Imagine how you’ll feel once you get there. Happy? Excited? Elated? Good! Keep imagining what that feeing is and let the vision of you crossing that finish line inspire you and ignite the fire within you.
What inspires me to keep working towards my goals is the vision I have of my future. A future where I am no longer severely and adversely affected by my anxiety. A future where I am successfully doing what I do love to do, and creating a happy life with the person I love and our family of fur-babies (and hopefully little human babies too)!
Seeing how far I’ve come and how the future I’ve envisioned is already beginning to take shape also keeps the fire within me burning. I am determined to reach my finish line!
With love and support, Molly
Identify Your Triggers
Each person with anxiety has one or more triggers that sets their anxiety alarm off. Triggers can vary from person to person and can vary depending on what type of anxiety they are dealing with. It’s important to be able to recognize those triggers so that individuals can best decide what course of action they should take to bring about relief.
Anxiety commonly manifests when we experience a stressor or a set of stressors. Major stressors can range from our physical health, to things happening in our everyday life, such as stress from our work or home life. Stress can also occur from previous experiences like a past trauma or a situation that scared us.
When you begin to feel anxious, if possible, write down what you are experiencing in the moment.
Consider things like:
- What was I thinking of just before my anxiety manifested?
- What situation, if any, occurred right before?
- Were there any physical symptoms that appeared like sweaty palms or a racing heart?
By asking yourself these questions and by documenting your feelings and emotions over a period of time you may be able to see a pattern emerge. By identifying the pattern you can then analyze why your anxiety is manifesting itself as well as come up with a solution to ease your worry.
Example:
Event: Every time I have to drive some place I’ve never been before.
Symptoms: pounding heart, excessive sweating, sweaty palms, hard to breath.
What about this event is making me anxious?: I don’t know how to get there, I don’t know what parking will be like, I don’t know how busy this place will be. What if I can’t find any parking at all? What if it’s parallel parking only, and I don’t know how to parallel park?
What can I do to ease my anxiety?: I can use Apple maps ahead of time to pick the best route for me to take. I can also use the satellite view on my map to see what the parking situation is like ahead of time. If there is parallel parking, I can find the next closest parking lot that isn’t parallel parking. If time allows, I can drive to the location with a friend before hand to get a feel for what the drive/parking is like.
How do I feel now?: I feel better having a plan in place for next time I have to go somewhere I haven’t been before.
By knowing what our triggers are and how we can ease our anxiety induced by said triggers, we are giving ourselves the upper hand in anxiety management.
With love and support, Molly
A few years ago, I was getting ready to go on a first date. We planned to meet up at a bar equidistant from where he and I lived. I was nervous beyond measure and contemplated canceling 87 different times, but I decided to go through with it because I was very interested in him.
After talking my anxiety through with my mom, I realized that the anxiety was coming from the fact that I was supposed to meet him at a bar I’ve never been to before that was located on a pretty busy street. It was also well known that in the downtown area where the bar was, there was only parallel parking available, and that fact didn’t help my anxiety either.
I decided to pull up the location on my map and found the easiest route to take to the bar. I pulled up the satellite view of the bar as well, and found that there was a parking lot just next door that wasn’t parallel parking. I even had my mom drive down to the bar with me (three hours before my date) to get a feel for the route and scope out the location so that I could get more familiar with the street and find the parking lot next door.
Fast forward three hours, I was still nervous, but not nearly as much as before. I stuck to the route I picked out and followed my GPS. I got lucky when I arrived because I found a spot that I could just pull into without having to parallel park or park next door.
Since I was able to analyze the event that was causing me anxiety, and find some solutions to ease my anxiety about the situation, I was able to work through the anxiety and enjoy my first date.
Leave Your Comfort Zone
Inside our comfort zone is safety and security. It’s calm, quiet, and where we are in control. Although we enjoy staying inside our comfort zone because we are free from disappointments, failures, and mistakes, those things are only a fraction of what we will encounter. There is far more good awaiting us in the world outside than what we are leaving behind. There are new friendships to be made, new adventures to be had, and new opportunities to be taken.
The new people we’ll meet might lead to long-lasting friendships with individuals who make a real impact on our lives. The adventures we’ll go on could lead us to places that we never would have ventured before. The opportunities, whether job related or otherwise, will give us invaluable tools and skills that we can take with us into the future, and could also provide us with financial independence.
Small steps first
There’s no need to have a “go big or go home” attitude when deciding to step outside of your comfort zone. Taking one small step forward is something to be proud of.
“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.”
Old Chinese ProverbThink about what lies outside of your comfort zone. What things do you want to be able to do or achieve? Task yourself with taking one small step in the direction you want to go.
What you can do:
- Choose a different genre of movie/tv show that you wouldn’t ordinarily pick
- Take a different route to work
- Try a new food you’ve never had
- Eat out at a restaurant you’ve never been to
- Teach yourself something new: how to play an instrument, how to do sudoku puzzles, how to change a tire, etc.
- Try a diet/workout program
- Say ‘yes’ to going out somewhere new with your friends/family
- Accept a date
- Shuffle your playlist/listen to a new genre of music
Have compassion and celebrate along the way
Leaving your comfort zone can be a scary one. It’s okay if you don’t accomplish your small step right away. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Be compassionate with yourself and remember, there is no time limit- you can always try again tomorrow.
Celebrate every step you take along the way. Enjoy your new-found strength and confidence, and keep going!
Moving beyond your comfort zone might seem like a daunting task, but remember, you only need to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. You’ve got this, and I’m rooting for you every step of the way.
With love and support, Molly
Put In The Work
The life we imagine for ourselves, and very much deserve, will continue to remain out of reach if we do not actively put in the work to get us there. We cannot sit idly by hoping our anxiety will spontaneously vanish and that our lives will be changed. We must be willing to put in the work to bring the life we desire to fruition. Only then will we begin to see monumental change within ourselves and our surroundings.
I did not get to where I am today by simply wishing and willing it into existence, although at times I wished I could do exactly that. I got to where I am by putting in the work I needed to. I spent years in therapy to learn how to cope with and manage my anxiety. I learned techniques and readily put them to use in my life. I exposed myself to the very things that terrified me even when it felt like I would have a heart attack if I did.
Today, I am a manager at my company, I own my own car, and live with my significant other. Today, I am stronger, wiser, more courageous, and more adventurous than I was when I began my journey.
As you begin to put in the work remember that the day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit. Progress takes time and sometimes the process is slow. Work hard, be patient with yourself, and don’t give up.
With love and support, Molly.
Failure isn’t Fatal
We tend to avoid starting something new because we are afraid of failing at it. Feeling afraid, nervous, and hesitant are completely natural feelings to have. Most people feel fear and anxiety at the start of something new.
Remember, failure isn’t fatal. It shouldn’t be seen as the end-all be-all. Failure is just another step on the road to success. Some of our greatest lessons are learned through failure, and it aids in our growth and development.
I’ve been watching a show called Forged in Fire on the History channel a lot recently. The show asks its contestants to make knives and swords from raw pieces of steel, and then the judges test the pieces strength and durability in extreme tests. These tests are aggressive and brutal. The judges hack into ice blocks, beef bones, fish, wood, pieces of armor, and more. By the end of the tests, one contestant whose blade didn’t make the cut is sent home. Each contestant who leaves will usually say a couple words at the end, and for the most part, they make a comment about how even though they didn’t make it through the competition, they are walking away more knowledgeable, are grateful for the experience, and that they will continue to make blades despite what happened in the challenge.
What I’ve taken away from watching this show is that what we go through is meant to test our own strength and durability, and that we gain knowledge, experience, and resilience, from our failures.
Do not shy away from starting something new because you are afraid of failing. Do it despite your fear. If you fail, do not let it discourage you from trying again, and be thankful for the experience. Focus on what you need to do next to keep moving forward and take what you have learned into the next experience.
With love and support, Molly
Overcoming Setbacks
Experiencing a setback can feel like a soul crushing blow, shattering all personal progress we’ve made, and it’s easy to get stuck in a negative mindset because we are disappointed that we’ve ended up where we have.
Setbacks don’t mean it’s the end for us, and they don’t negate the progress we’ve made- they are simply a minor delay in progress, a hurdle we must overcome to move us towards our next accomplishment.
Rather than building up our setbacks into these huge, monstrous things in our minds, it’s important to take a step back and remember that we have navigated through setbacks before, and we will navigate our way through the next one too.
“Setbacks are only ever as big as the amount of time it takes us to choose to move through them.”
Kyree OliverFrom my late teen years well into my young adult life, venturing out into public alone has caused severe anxiety. It seems like such a small, silly thing to get anxiety over, but it’s been something that I’ve struggled with on and off.
If I had to go grocery shopping, go to the bank, or get my oil changed, I would get heart palpitations, sweaty palms and feet, and I would get shaky. I hated to go anywhere if I didn’t have someone else with me.
Prior to my boyfriend and I moving, I had been able to keep my anxiety under control when going out because I was familiar with my surroundings. I would experience mild discomfort here and there, but nothing that would impede my ability to leave the house.
Over the last two months though, my anxiety about going out alone has resurfaced and magnified due to my boyfriend and I moving to a new place in a new area outside of my comfort zone. I have found it to be increasingly more difficult to subdue my anxious feelings and to talk myself up into leaving the apartment for anything else besides going to work, visiting my parents, and visiting my best friend.
At this moment in time, it is crucial for me to remember that this minor setback (being fearful of leaving my house) is something I’ve experienced before. It is something that I have overcome before as well, and will overcome again. I am also aware that this setback has occurred because I am in a new place that is outside of my comfort zone. I know that once I familiarize myself with this new place, this new area, I will no longer feel fearful about venturing off into public places by myself.
I know that the place I am at now is not my final destination, it is merely a stepping stone on the path to success.
If you find yourself facing a setback, look at it objectively rather than emotionally. Instead of wrapping yourself up in feeling badly about where you are, ask yourself what event or decision caused you to have this setback. Remind yourself that obstacles have been thrown your way before and they have yet to defeat you.
With love and support, Molly
Bad Days
At one point or another, we’ve all experienced a bad day. Often, what occurs is an isolated incident that we give too much power to by dwelling on it which then taints the rest of our day.
Continuing to dwell on the negative is like opening a window for more negative energy to come in and influence us. The more negative energy we put out, the more negative energy we attract.
Bad experiences may be unavoidable, but we are always in control of how we respond to them. We don’t have to let a single incident ruin our entire day.
How to deal with a bad experience
- Be kind to yourself – give yourself a little pep talk
- Tell yourself: “I will be okay. I am strong enough and brave enough to get through this.”
- Tell yourself: “Today may be hard, but I can and will overcome this.”
- List three positive things that happened to you
- Treat Yo’ Self – give yourself a treat to help boost your mood
- Buy yourself a new book.
- Purchase your favorite candy or your favorite food.
- Pamper yourself with a bubble bath or a mani/pedi.
- Splurge (responsibly): Finally get that bottle of wine you’ve been eyeing, or get yourself a new pair of shoes, or buy that new video game you’ve been wanting to play.
- Write yourself some pick-me-up notes
- On a small piece of paper or an index card write down kind words to yourself that you can keep on your person, and pull out at a moments notice for when you feel you need a quick pick-me-up.
Inevitably, bad days are a part of life. There will be times when, despite our efforts, we’ll fail to pull ourselves out of that negative mindset. and that’s okay. We’ll just have to try our best the next time.
Take time to reflect on your bad day, analyze why things went badly, and consider what changes you can make to prevent a bad experience from becoming a bad day.
With love and support, Molly
- Be kind to yourself – give yourself a little pep talk
Action!
There is no change where there is no action.
We often feel that a lot of things that happen to us in our lives are beyond our control, and that our only choice is to accept the hand we’ve been dealt. We believe that we lack the power to change our circumstances, and instead of actively working towards making the necessary changes or taking the steps to change our situation, we complain about where we are in our lives.
We are not powerless. We have the power to create the life we desire.
Familiarize yourself with the mental mistakes, begin writing, practice positive thinking, build a support system, constantly ask yourself the three rational questions, seek professional help, etc.
It’s okay to feel hesitant about taking action, and to want to avoid the discomfort that goes along with it, but once you start to see your progress, it’ll be worth it.
Remember, there is no change where there is no action.
With love & support, Molly
Opportunities
In life, we will be offered many opportunities for many different things, big and small. There may be job opportunities, academic opportunities, travel opportunities, and more. These opportunities allow us to learn, develop, grow, and experience new and different things.
But, how often do we take advantage of those opportunities? For those of us who have serious anxiety, probably not often.
If you do decide to pass on an opportunity, think of WHY you made the decision to pass on it. Was it strictly due to your anxiety or was there another deeper reason as to why you passed?
Take a moment to think about this and try to be completely honest with yourself. Once you recognize why you passed on the opportunity, you can work on the issue to prevent you from passing on another similar opportunity.
Last year, I passed on an opportunity to work with one of my best friends. At the time, when I declined her offer, I told her that I wasn’t in a good place mentally to begin something new, and I wasn’t ready for such a major change. While that answer was somewhat true, it wasn’t the honest answer. I passed on her offer because I was afraid to go through the interview process.
Why was I scared about the interview? Interviews scare the living bejesus out of me. They are my least favorite thing in the entire universe. Interviews are evaluations, judgements. They evaluate my character, my skills, how I present myself, etc., and I do not, under any circumstance, like to feel I am being judged.
Not only was my fear of judgement a motivator for me to decline the offer, but if I took a deeper look within, my fear of judgement lead to a fear of rejection which then lead to me realize that this all stemmed from poor self-esteem and low self-worth.
After realizing the true and honest reason for declining my friends offer, I knew that If I didn’t work on casting this fear aside, and work towards building up my self-esteem, then I would undoubtedly miss out on more opportunities like this.
If you feel hesitant about taking an opportunity, set time aside to really think through why you feel that way. Don’t be afraid to dig deep!
With love & support, Molly
Forgiving Yourself
Making mistakes is a part of life; it’s what makes us human. The best part of being human, though, is that we can be forgiven. Not just by others, but by ourselves, perhaps the most important type of forgiveness.
We tend to hold onto our mistakes, becoming hostages of our past, torturing ourselves by replaying and reliving them. We can’t change the mistakes we made, and we can’t go back in time to undo them, but we can forgive ourselves for making them.
How to:
- Acknowledge that we made a mistake
- Accept that a mistake was made
- Avoid punishing ourselves
- Think of our mistake as a learning experience
Ask yourself:
- What did this mistake teach me?
- What worked?
- What didn’t work?
- What can I do differently?
Rather than obsessing about what happened, what could have happened, or should have happened, think of each mistake as a lesson and a learning experience. Remind yourself that making mistakes is part of the human experience and that you are allowed to make them. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and then consider what can you can take away from them.
With love and support, Molly
Rational Questions
The mind is a sly trickster. When we are in an anxious state, it bombards us with a barrage of irrational thoughts in an attempt to con us into believing a situation is so horrible that it must be avoided at all costs.
Rather than allowing ourselves to be fooled by the duplicitous trickster, we can outwit it by proposing three rational questions. These questions serve as a way to end the trickery and bring us back to reality.
The Three Rational Questions
- Is my thinking based on fact?
- Does my thinking help me achieve my goals?
- Does my thinking help me feel the way I want to feel?
If we answer “yes” to the three questions, then our thinking is rational; it is in our best interest to keep that thought.
If we answer “no” to one or more of the questions, then our thinking is irrational; it is in our best interest to reform our thought into one that is rational.
Example:
Initial thought: If I go to the interview, they will reject me because I don’t have any experience; I will be a failure.
Is my thinking based on fact?: No
Does my thinking help me achieve my goals?: No. My goal is to get a job.
Does my thinking help me feel the way I want to feel?: No. I want to feel satisfied and I want to feel like I have accomplished something.
Because I answered “no” to all three questions, it means that my thought was irrational.
Modified thought (1): If I go to the interview, I will do my best to show that, despite my lack of experience, I am eager to work and learn.
Modified thought (2): If I go to the interview and I don’t get the job, it doesn’t make me a failure. Instead of becoming disappointed in myself, I will be PROUD of myself for completing this task.
Modified thought (3): If I go to the interview and I don’t get the job, I will learn from this experience and better prepare myself for the next interview.
Do not let your mind trick you with irrational thoughts. Get in the habit of asking yourself these three rational questions and learn to modify your thoughts into rational ones.
With love & support, Molly
Flip the Script
We can be our own worst critic. When we don’t handle a situation the way we wanted to, or we don’t accomplish what we wanted to, we scold ourselves. We say self-deprecating things that slowly chip away our confidence and limit our ability to make progress.
Rather than speaking to ourselves in a self-deprecating way, we should be showing ourselves love and compassion. Self-love and self-compassion fuel our confidence and promotes change.
In order to show ourselves the love and compassion we should be, we need to change the way we speak to ourselves.
To do that, we must flip the script.
- I’m not good enough –> I am good enough
- I can’t do this –> I will do this to the best of my ability
- I’m such an idiot –> Everyone makes mistakes
- I’m so stupid –> There is always room to improve
- I’m a failure –> I will learn from this and try to do better next time
- This isn’t fair –> I will make the best of it
Breaking the cycle of negative self-talk, like breaking any bad habit, is going to take time. Be patient with yourself and give yourself the benefit of the doubt if you don’t always get it right.
With love & support, Molly
Establish A Support System
When we feel we are too weak to handle our anxiety and cannot trust our own thoughts, turning to those we trust can mean the difference between falling into the pit of despair or rising above it. Having a healthy support system is a vital component of successfully managing our anxiety.
A healthy support system includes those whom we can turn to without fear of being judged, mocked, or having our feelings invalidated. They show understanding and compassion, listen to us, acknowledge our feelings, encourage us to move forward, and celebrate our triumphs and victories, no matter how small. They also help us to sort out our thoughts by helping us to recognize when our thoughts have become irrational. They offer constructive suggestions, and when necessary, tell us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. They may even offer a new perspective, one we couldn’t see because we were so consumed by our anxious, negative thoughts.
A few years ago, my best friend drove two hours to visit me and to attend a Christmas party hosted by one of her life-long friends. I was nervous to go, but I knew that it would be fun, and I might actually enjoy myself. I also didn’t want my friend to miss the opportunity to see her childhood friend as well as her friend’s family. I powered through my anxiety and went.
The house was full of people and was buzzing with activity. I tried to push aside my anxiety, mingle, and join in on the games. I managed to play one game, but by the time the next one rolled around, my social meter had hit it’s max and I went into panic mode, consumed by an intense need to get out of house immediately. So, I did.
My anxiety had become so incapacitating that, as soon as I had made it outside, I burst into tears. A few minutes later, my friend, understanding how I was feeling, and knowing it was time for me to go, emerged from the house. I felt guilty for being the cause of us leaving the party early, but she didn’t judge me, she didn’t get mad at me, and she didn’t hold it against me. She consoled me as we headed back to my house, and my anxiety began to dissipate.
Having my best friend as a member of my support system has been the ultimate blessing.
Take note of those who genuinely support you and have your best interest at heart.
With love & support, Molly
Distancing From Negativity
To continue making headway in managing our anxiety, it is imperative that we distance ourselves from the negative people in our lives. Since we are easily influenced by the people we associate with, it would only harm our mental health and well-being to continue involving ourselves with negative people.
The energy people radiate is contagious, whether it is positive or negative, and it constantly flows through and around us. If we are continuously spending time with negative people, their negativity can influence our own energy, mood, and mindset.
A negative persons’ outlook leads them to believe that their life is only bad, and that there are only more bad things to come. They don’t see the good or are unwilling to find the good in a situation. When things don’t go their way, they will find a factor outside of themselves to blame. These negative people might be unhappy with multiple, if not all, aspects of their life, and regularly interacting with them will not benefit us in any way.
People who are frequently complaining about their life, and expressing their negativity, have a unhealthy mentality that can rub off on us, and can make us think and feel the same way about our life. Rather than focusing on their negativity, we need to focus on our own growth and development, and that means distancing ourselves from them.
While we may not be able to fully distance ourselves from all negative people, we can work towards limiting our interactions with them. We can limit how much time we spend with an individual, and we can limit how often we communicate with them. We can also seek out new friendships and relationships with people who are more positive, supportive, share similar goals and dreams, and make us feel happier.
Take time to think about who you are sharing your time with. If you find that you are surrounded by negative people or people who bring you down, then consider distancing yourself from them.
With love & support, Molly
Criticism
Hearing that we’re not performing to standards, or that we’re lacking in some way, is never something we want to hear, especially for a person with anxiety. Since being judged is something that we are fearful of, being criticized feels like the ultimate form of judgement.
We take what the other person is saying to heart, and we feel as if it’s a personal slight. It reinforces the negative things we think about ourselves- That we’re not good enough, we are not smart enough, we are bad at our jobs, etc. When those thoughts begin to flood in, we immediately shut down, become defensive, and refuse to hear what the person is saying, regardless of whether their intentions are pure.
Although criticism makes us feel unpleasant, it’s not always a bad thing. People often offer it to help us, and is intended to make us aware of something that we need to work on, or could improve in. It is not always presented to hurt us or to make us feel badly.
To avoid feeling slighted or offended by criticism, we need to look at the situation rationally, and with an open mind.
- Put our emotions and ego aside.
- Do not jump to conclusions before hearing what the person has to say.
- Try to understand if the person who is offering the criticism is doing so to provide helpful feedback meant to educate us and help us grow.
- Look at our own actions objectively to determine if their criticism holds any merit.
Recently, I found myself receiving criticism from one of the managers at my job. Almost immediately, I had made up my mind that whatever she was going to say to me, would be an attack on my person, and that I wasn’t going to hear what she had to say. I will admit that I was already frustrated before the incident took place, and I know that my frustration only added to my resistance in receiving the criticism.
In my mind, when it came to doing my job, I was always on point. I knew what needed to get done and I would always do my best to talk to guests, help them find what they were looking for, and make sales. I didn’t want her to make my feel like I was bad at my job, or that I wasn’t performing well, so I never gave her the chance. Everything she said to me went in one ear and out the other.
Looking back now, I know I reacted poorly. Because of the anxiety, the frustration, and anger I was feeling, I let that dictate how I acted. Rather than shutting down and jumping to conclusions, I should have kept a level head, and been open to receiving the feedback she was giving me. I know that, while I am good at my job, there is always room to improve.
Instead of rejecting criticism, and taking it as proof that our shortcomings define us, we need to remember that our feelings aren’t facts, and that it is not our worth or our character that is being judged.
With love & support, Molly
Mental Health Days
Taking mental health days are an important part of the process of managing your anxiety. Without taking the time to rest and recuperate, you run the risk of becoming mentally overwhelmed, and more likely to hit a breaking point.
You might be close to your breaking point if you experience any of the following:
- Sensory overload
- Trouble sleeping / staying asleep
- Extreme tiredness
- Increased irritability
- Low tolerance / patience
- High running emotions
If you are experiencing one, or all of the symptoms, then it’s time to take a day for yourself.
By allowing yourself to take a mental health day, you will be much more capable of managing your anxiety, and accomplishing tasks will seem less unnerving. Do things that make you feel good, reduce your stress levels, and do not require you to put out more energy than you have.
Self-Care Ideas
- Rest
- Limit your interactions with people
- Do something you enjoy
- Spend time outdoors
- Cuddle your furry friend
- Journal / write / read
- Stay hydrated
- Practice breathing
- Have a spa day
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I’m close to having a complete mental breakdown, I know that it’s time for me to take a mental health day. If I don’t, I find that I become more easily agitated, snapping at my friends and family over things that normally, would have only annoyed me slightly. I also find that when my emotions are heightened, I will act out in anger or cry uncontrollably.
It’s not a good feeling, feeling like I’m not in control of myself, so I do what I know will make me feel better. I like to sit outside in nature, go fishing, curl up in front of the T.V. with my dog, or use my time to write. Sometimes, I give myself a spa day. I’ll take a hot shower, put on a face mask, and give myself a pedicure. After doing those things, I know my body and mind will be better for it, and that I will be ready to tackle whatever I might face the next day.
Take a day to care for yourself. Self-care is neither selfish, nor something to feel guilty about.
With love & support, Molly
Write It Out
One characteristic of anxiety that is difficult for us to manage is our thought process. Our anxiety hinders our capability to think rationally, causes us to think of the worst case scenarios, and causes us to dwell on a negative situation or incident.
Writing about the unpleasant event or incident we’ve experienced is a great way for us to gain perspective, determine whether we are thinking rationally, and allows us to identify the root cause of what is making us upset, distressed, or anxious.
Whether we write about something that took place at home, work, or about something that happened with our significant others, it gives us the chance to unclutter and unburden our mind. By describing what the event was, how we reacted to it, or how it made us feel, it shows us what our thought process was like.
If we are thinking irrationally, we can pin-point if it’s due to any mental mistakes we’ve made, and we should adjust our thoughts accordingly. If we are jumping into worst case scenario, we should reassess, make a list of all the things that could go right, and focus on that instead. If we are dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation, we should give ourselves a time limit to think about it, and then center our attention on something else.
Whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed, conflicted, or anxious, I write it out. I always feel better, like a weight has been lifted off of me, and my mind is clearer than before I started writing. It helps me sort out my thoughts, even if they come out as word vomit, spewed onto paper.
Every so often, my ramblings will lead me to a breakthrough. Either, it’s a validation of my feelings, or it’s a realization that my thoughts are irrational, having been skewed by my anxiety. This breakthrough might happen in the middle of writing, or at the very end, but once it happens, it’s a huge sigh of relief. Regardless of what my writing leads to, it restores my clarity, and I am able to take back control of my mind.
I encourage you all to try writing out your thoughts, even if it’s just once. You don’t have to be the next Shakespeare, and your writing only has to make sense to you. You may come away with a new perspective, or a fresh mindset, and that to me, makes it worth trying.
With love & support, Molly
Our Own Paths
We are constantly comparing our lives to others, and when we think we aren’t as successful or further along than we should be, we feel as if we are inadequate or failures.
We cannot allow ourselves to get swallowed up by feelings of inadequacy or failure. It’s important to remember that we all move at a different pace, accomplishing tasks at a different rate than others. Each person has their own path to follow, and those of us with anxiety are no exception. Our path just requires a few more steps and a bit more work.
- Remind ourselves often that others are on a different path
- Take breaks from social media
- Set realistic and obtainable goals
- Focus on where we are and not where we think we should be
- Keep working on managing our anxiety
- Take time to appreciate the progress we make
With love & support, Molly
Celebrating 26 Years
Today I’m celebrating my 26th birthday!
As I sipped my coffee on this rainy Wednesday morning, I couldn’t help but think back on my journey. The past twenty-six years has been filled with so much from bumpy roads and speed blocks to milestones and triumphs.
I’ve had numerous break downs, heartaches, and tough lessons to learn. I’ve had new friendships, relationships, and I’ve broken through many barriers.
Living with anxiety has not been an easy task nor is it something I would wish on others, but it’s helped shape me into the woman I am today. I am proud of that woman. I’ve overcome many obstacles that I thought would cripple me. I’ve learned valuable lessons in the midst of despair. In these twenty-six years I’ve grown into a stronger, more confident woman.
If there’s one thing that’s remained constant over the years, it’s been Faith. Faith that everything will work out. Faith in the process. Faith in a higher power. Faith that no matter the difficulties I face, I will persevere.
Today, as I celebrate my birthday, I encourage you all to celebrate how far you’ve come in your own journey.
With Love & Support, Molly
“Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms.”– Paulo Coelho
The Backpack of Horrors
While The Backpack of Horrors may sound like the title of some low-budget, poorly filmed horror movie, I can assure you It’s not. The Backpack of Horrors is where I stored all of my negative experiences.
Anytime something made me uncomfortable, embarrassed, or nervous, I would take that feeling or event, and toss it into my backpack. I would then use those experiences as an excuse to avoid doing something in the future that was reminiscent of an experience I’ve already had.
It had become second nature for me to tote around my backpack, reach into it, pull out an event, and use it against myself. After acknowledging this, I knew I couldn’t keep carrying my backpack. Doing so only hurt my chances of making progress and of managing my anxiety. It fueled my fears, which in turn, prevented me from trying new things, making new memories, and having better experiences.
I tried to look at each new situation differently, while keeping in mind that my FEAR was what I thought would happen but didn’t actually happen. Little by little, I was able to empty my backpack of the negative and replace it with positive instead, and eventually, the good outweighed the bad.
If you find yourself carrying your own Backpack of Horrors, remember that lugging it around will not help you to move forwards on your path to managing your anxiety. Allow yourself to make new memories and experiences. Make it a Backpack of Positivity.
With love & support, Molly.
Fear
What is fear?
According to Merriam-Webster, fear is defined as “an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.”
Fear is natural emotion that helps us recognize a dangerous situation, physical or psychological. It can occur in response to something that is happening in the present moment or in anticipation of a future event.
In therapy, I was told that FEAR was False Evidence Appearing Real. I was afraid of what I thought was going to happen without having the evidence that it would happen. My fears were based on theoretical outcomes that I had deceived myself into believing were the only outcomes.
With that in mind, I did my best to reassess situations and events that were inciting fear. Rather than mulling over all the possible negative outcomes, I tried to consider possible positive outcomes. By taking that approach, I was able to alleviate the intensity of fear that I was feeling.
My Experience
During my three months of quarantine, I was living my best life- a fairy-tale life. For someone who has social anxiety, having to stay home was pretty much perfect. I got comfortable with how things were, I established a routine, and I was content with only leaving the house when I needed to go grocery shopping. But then, the clock struck midnight and my fairy-tale ended. I got the call from my job stating that they would be re-opening their doors to the public in about a week. Immense fear and panic swallowed me whole. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to leave my fairy-tale bubble. I tried to come up with a million reasons why I didn’t need to go, but in the end, I knew that I had to.
For the entire week leading up to my first day back, I was on the phone crying to my mother, expressing my fears, hoping that she would tell me I didn’t have to go. She didn’t. She knew that giving me permission would only enable me, reinforcing the idea that my anxiety had power over me. Instead, she told me I had to push aside my fears, put on my big girl pants, and recognize that I had the power over my anxiety. And that’s what I did.
I knew that there were protocols set in place by my company to ensure the safety of their associates and customers. I knew there would be a limit on the capacity of the store, cleaning procedures, fitting room procedures, and check-out procedures. I knew all that I feared was not founded in reality, and that I was assuming the worst outcomes.
After completing my first day back, I felt proud and satisfied that I had made it through.
Take a moment to reassess the situation triggering your fear, and ask yourself if you have the evidence to substantiate your feelings. If you don’t, then focus on the positive aspects rather than the negative.
With love & support, Molly
Creative Outlets
When your brain is stuck on “GO,” and it feels as if your thoughts have been on a never-ending spin-cycle, it can be overwhelming. You feel as if your brain won’t ever stop running.
You run through every possible outcome of a situation. You run through every bad decision you’ve made. You run through your greatest hits of embarrassing moments. You run through every little thing until, finally, you’ve exhausted every bit of brain power, leaving you feeling drained and empty. It’s during times like these that having an outlet can put a stop to the never-ending spin cycle.
Having creative outlets are critical for restoring the balance in your life. They help you to relieve stress and anxiety, boost your mood and self-esteem, and help you to achieve breakthroughs.
CREATIVE OUTLETS CAN BE:
- Writing/journaling
- Reading
- Drawing/painting
- Listening to music
- Playing an instrument
- Meditating
- Gaming
MY EXPERIENCE
I received a job offer from a friend who had recently moved on from the company I was with. She needed an answer to give her boss within the week. Almost immediately, I was overcome with crippling anxiety. I wasn’t the happiest with where I was, but moving on from my current job would mean starting over- something I desperately hated to do. I had begun to worry about what my new position would entail, who I’d be working under, how many hours I’d be working, what I would look like in their uniform, if I would be any good at it, what their expectation of me would be, and so on. I started researching the company, the positions available, what pay the company might offer, the types of questions that might be asked in the interview. My brain was flooding with questions and I was frantically searching for answers. Eventually, I recognized that my pattern of thinking, if I kept at it, would put me deeper into a frenzy. It had to stop.
I had recently been learning how to play the guitar, so I shut my computer, plugged in my amp, and began to strum a couple chords. I started to get lost in the rhythm, paying close attention to where my fingers were on the neck, and which strings I was hitting with my pick. I focused my thoughts on what was in front of me, and slowly the chaos in my brain subsided. After my mind had cleared and I had time to process everything, I came to the realization that I wasn’t ready to move on from my current job. I decided to pass on my friends offer.
Carve out time to commit to your outlet, whatever it may be. You may find the answers you were seeking, gain a new perspective on a situation that was causing you strife, gain wisdom, or you just might end up feeling happier.
With love & support, Molly
Acceptance
Having anxiety, whether it’s something that came around later in your in life or something that you’ve had forever, is nothing to be ashamed of. Your anxiety is a part of you and probably always will be. Accept it.
Acceptance of your anxiety doesn’t mean that you are giving in to it and letting it have control over you. You don’t have to like the fact that you have anxiety, but by accepting it, you are giving yourself the permission to be who you are. You are giving yourself permission to feel the way you do. You can accept your anxiety and still work towards managing it.
Acknowledge all of what makes you you– the good, the bad, and everything in between, and avoid judgement.
Getting yourself to a place of acceptance may not happen over night- it’s going to take time, practice, and patience. It’s okay if some days you go from accepting your anxiety to rejecting it. Realize that acceptance is a choice that you have to make every day.
My Experience
Dealing with an anxiety disorder for as long as I have, I grew to accept that this was something that I would have to contend with for the rest of my life. Accepting it wasn’t something that came easily and I fought and rebelled against it for as long as I could. I eventually got to the point where I was too exhausted to fight it. My social anxiety wasn’t going to miraculously disappear and beating myself up over having it wasn’t going to get me anywhere.
I began to work with an amazing therapist who, for five years, helped me learn how to manage it. Somewhere, between all the sessions, all the lessons, and all the hardships, I accepted that my anxiety would always be a part of me. I accepted that I would have to work hard at managing it every day. I accepted that, even though this will continue to be a daily struggle for me, I am whole. I accepted that I am not defective. I am not broken. I am Me.
With love & support, Molly
Find Your Path
Anxiety is cruel beast. It doesn’t like to play by the rules, and it does everything in its power to make you feel miserable and helpless. Anxiety is also a no-holds barred fighter, and boy, does it fight. Taking into consideration that anxiety is a mental disorder, it can be harder to fight than a illness that physically attacks your body and makes you sick. For anxiety, there is no cure. Don’t lose hope just yet! While there may be no cure, there are treatments available such as psychotherapy, commonly known as “talk-therapy,” medication, and support groups.
First and foremost, let’s get over the stigma that seeing a mental health professional means your crazy or unstable. You’re not. It’s perfectly acceptable to want to seek out professional help. In fact, I highly recommend it! Especially if you’ve reached the point where you feel that your life has become unmanageable.
Secondly, you don’t have to take medication if you don’t want to. It’s not a requirement for getting help. That decision is solely up to you and your doctor. If dependency runs in your family like it does mine, then I recommend weighing your decision carefully.
When it comes to support groups, there are both face-to-face groups and online groups. It may take a bit of research to find if there are meetings available in your area and how often they are held. Online groups, in my experience, are easier to come by, although, you still might need a bit of research to find a group that you fit in well with and that meets your needs. Keep in mind that if any advice is given regarding treatment, you should still speak with a mental health professional about it before moving forward.
As for me, I benefited most from seeing a therapist because it allowed me to learn techniques and tools to manage my anxiety on a day-to-day basis. Additionally, it gave me someone to talk through my feelings with. When I tried the medication, I found that it worked to a degree; however, I still needed to keep meeting with my therapist while taking it. As time went on, I decided to stop taking the medication because I wanted to rely strictly on the techniques and tools. As for online support groups, the one I attended was more of a forum-based site which was helpful, and it was a great way to connect with individuals who shared similar experiences to mine.
No matter what path you take, you can’t go wrong. Find what works for you and go with it. I support you in your endeavor.
For your convenience, I have created a page with direct links to multiple online support groups and links to sites where you can look up face-to-face groups. Click here to be redirected.
With love & support, Molly
Mental Mistakes
WHAT ARE MENTAL MISTAKES?
Mental mistakes are the negative things you tell yourself about an uncomfortable situation that hinders you from moving past the issue. They are also commonly known referred to as the Automatic Thoughts.
These thoughts can occur so frequently and so suddenly that often times we don’t recognize that we’re making these mental mistakes.
They are broken down into 13 different categories.
THE AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS
The automatic thoughts listed below can be found in Glenn R. Schiraldi’s book The Self-Esteem Workbook.
- Assuming
- Shoulds (Musts/Oughts)
- The Fairy-Tale Fantasy
- All or Nothing Thinking
- Overgeneralizing
- Labeling
- Dwelling on the Negative
- Rejecting the Positive
- Unfavorable Comparisons
- Catastrophizing
- Personalizing
- Blaming
- Making Feelings Facts
I have included a page where you can find the list of the Automatic Thoughts and how they are defined so that you can easily go back and refer to them. Find them here.
THE DAILY THOUGHT RECORD
After being able to recognize the Automatic Thoughts I was having, I was instructed by my therapist to use The Daily Thought Record which is also included in The Self-Esteem Workbook.
1. I had to describe the thoughts I was having and rate them on a scale of 1-10 on how believable they were.
2. I had to identify what Automatic Thoughts I was using.
3. I had to change my initial thoughts into rational ones and rate those from 1-10 on how believable they were.
I was advised to complete the thought record on a daily basis for two weeks until I felt confident in my understanding of the mental mistakes I was making. Once I was able to do so it became easier to stop myself from going down the rabbit hole of negative thinking. Even after I stopped using the Daily Thought Record I made flash cards of all the Automatic Thoughts and kept them with me for when I found myself in a distressing situation.
When you can understand the mental mistakes you’re making you can begin to see a situation for what it really is. More often than not, the situation is less scary or intimidating than we had originally made it out to be.
Try using this tactic next time you feel overwhelmed by an event or situation.
Good luck!
With love & support, Molly
Did You Know?
Over 40 million people in the United States suffer from anxiety. Anxiety disorders are one the leading mental illnesses in the US, but only about 37% of people seek out treatment.
Types of Anxiety
There are six major types of anxiety disorders that affect the population.
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
- Panic Disorder
- Phobias
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
- Social Anxiety Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder affects about 6.8 million people. WebMD characterizes GAD as excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affects about 2.2 million people. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) defines OCD as a chronic and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable and recurring thoughts and behaviors that he/she feels the need to repeat over and over.
Panic Disorder
Panic disorder affects about 6 million people. Panic disorder is when an individual has sudden and repeated attacks of fear that can last up to several minutes.
Phobias
Phobias affect about 19 million people. Specific Phobia is a lasting and unreasonable fear caused by the presence or thought of a specific type object or situation that usually poses little or no actual danger.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder affects about 7.7 million people. PTSD is often triggered when an individual experiences or witnesses a horrific event. The events that most cause PTSD are: combat, childhood physical abuse, sexual abuse, violence, being threatened with a weapon, and accidents.
Social Anxiety Disorder
Affects about 15 million people. Social Anxiety Disorder, also called social phobia, is intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation.
Factors For Anxiety
While there are many types of anxiety each with different degrees of intensity, there are three factors that remain the same throughout. Those factors are: environmental factors, brain chemistry, and genetics.
Environmental factors: stress from home life, school, work, relationships, and finances.
Brain Chemistry: Stressful, traumatic experiences and genetic factors can change an individuals brain structure and it’s function causing it to react strongly to certain triggers that previously wouldn’t have caused anxiety.
Genetics: Those who have family members that suffer from anxiety disorders are more likely to also have an anxiety disorder.
Fun Facts
Many of our beloved celebrities also suffer from anxiety disorders.
- Actor Johnny Depp, actresses Emma Stone and Scarlett Johansson all suffer from panic disorder.
- Singers and songwriters Lady Gaga and Selena Gomez both suffer from depression and anxiety.
- Soccer legend David Beckham and actress Jessica Alba both suffer from OCD.
- Singer and actress Barbara Streisand avoided singing on stage for nearly 30 years because of severe stage fright.
In The Beginning
As a young girl, I had no idea what anxiety was. I actually didn’t know that I had it until later on in my sophomore year of high school when I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.
For a long time, before I was diagnosed, I knew that something wasn’t quite right. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. After hearing my therapist say that she suspected that I had social anxiety disorder, everything finally clicked.
It explained why my face would turn bright red when I got nervous, why my voice got shaky and why my palms would get insanely sweaty. It explained why I would take an F on a project I said I hadn’t done (when I did) just so I wouldn’t have to present it in class. It was why I hated going out with friends and refused to use public bathrooms unless someone came with me. It made sense why I had panic attacks and meltdowns over things that were so seemingly simple like calling the doctor, getting my driver’s license, and going to the grocery store alone.
Getting diagnosed with social anxiety disorder was one of the best things to happen to me in my entire life. I know, it seems like a weird thing to say, but it was! I was able to finally accept that there was a reason for the way I was. It meant that I wasn’t defective or not normal. The second best thing to happen to me was learning that there was help for me and that I could learn to cope with and manage the anxiety.
For a couple years, I worked closely with my therapist. Every Wednesday at 3pm I was on her couch talking through my feelings and emotions, making game-plans for how I would combat the anxiety in the coming weeks. Some weeks I made astounding progress and other weeks I made none. The entire process was terrifying but also extremely liberating. Without her and the tools she gave me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be the successful, functioning, 25 year old that I am.
Overcoming anxiety is not always easy and there were days it was really hard. To this day, it’s something that I have to work on constantly and consistently. It gets easier day by day and all I can do is keep working at it.
HELPFUL REMINDERS:
- You are not defective
- You are strong
- Your anxiety doesn’t have to define you
- You are not alone
- Anxiety doesn’t have to rule your life
- Your anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of
- It’s ok to ask for help
- You can take your life back