Hearing that we’re not performing to standards, or that we’re lacking in some way, is never something we want to hear, especially for a person with anxiety. Since being judged is something that we are fearful of, being criticized feels like the ultimate form of judgement.
We take what the other person is saying to heart, and we feel as if it’s a personal slight. It reinforces the negative things we think about ourselves- That we’re not good enough, we are not smart enough, we are bad at our jobs, etc. When those thoughts begin to flood in, we immediately shut down, become defensive, and refuse to hear what the person is saying, regardless of whether their intentions are pure.
Although criticism makes us feel unpleasant, it’s not always a bad thing. People often offer it to help us, and is intended to make us aware of something that we need to work on, or could improve in. It is not always presented to hurt us or to make us feel badly.
To avoid feeling slighted or offended by criticism, we need to look at the situation rationally, and with an open mind.
- Put our emotions and ego aside.
- Do not jump to conclusions before hearing what the person has to say.
- Try to understand if the person who is offering the criticism is doing so to provide helpful feedback meant to educate us and help us grow.
- Look at our own actions objectively to determine if their criticism holds any merit.
Recently, I found myself receiving criticism from one of the managers at my job. Almost immediately, I had made up my mind that whatever she was going to say to me, would be an attack on my person, and that I wasn’t going to hear what she had to say. I will admit that I was already frustrated before the incident took place, and I know that my frustration only added to my resistance in receiving the criticism.
In my mind, when it came to doing my job, I was always on point. I knew what needed to get done and I would always do my best to talk to guests, help them find what they were looking for, and make sales. I didn’t want her to make my feel like I was bad at my job, or that I wasn’t performing well, so I never gave her the chance. Everything she said to me went in one ear and out the other.
Looking back now, I know I reacted poorly. Because of the anxiety, the frustration, and anger I was feeling, I let that dictate how I acted. Rather than shutting down and jumping to conclusions, I should have kept a level head, and been open to receiving the feedback she was giving me. I know that, while I am good at my job, there is always room to improve.
Instead of rejecting criticism, and taking it as proof that our shortcomings define us, we need to remember that our feelings aren’t facts, and that it is not our worth or our character that is being judged.
With love & support, Molly
My 13 year old daughter has anxiety. Do you have any suggestions as to how I might offer criticism to her without making her feel not good enough or alienated?
Hey Susan, thanks for reaching out. I can tell by your question that you really want to help your daughter. Speaking from my own experience, I always responded better when my mom acknowledged my anxiety, and she approached me calmly. Instead of thinking about what you’re saying as criticism, think of it as gentle, helpful suggestions, to help her get through whatever situation she is dealing with. Tone is important, as is speaking more slowly to give you time to word your message so it will sound more helpful and less critical. Additionally, speaking at a lower level might come across less harsh. You can try using statements like, “have you considered this other option…” or “have you thought about this instead…” More gentle and more diplomatic wording will transfer better, and she may be more receptive to what you are saying. Try this, and feel free to let me know how it goes. If you need more information or additional support, I’d be happy to provide it for you.
Sincerely, Molly
P.S. When you’re trying to change your normal response, it takes time and numerous repetitions. Be patient and don’t get discouraged.