The ability to make and maintain eye contact is an important aspect of everyday social interaction and helps strengthen connections between personal and professional relationships.
For people who have an anxiety disorder, making eye contact is often uncomfortable and any amount prolonged eye contact can arouse feelings of vulnerability and judgement, and can be perceived as threatening.
It is imperative that we understand that while feelings of discomfort and judgement will arise, we are not in any danger and making eye contact is harmless. In fact, making and maintaining eye contact is beneficial.
How making eye contact is beneficial:
- It makes you more memorable
- It makes what you’re saying believable
- You are perceived as confident and intelligent
- Helps create a solid connection with whom you are speaking
- Shows that you are attentive
Throughout your life you will undoubtedly have to have face-to-face conversations- that much is certain. Whether it’s an interview or a meeting, a trip to the grocery store or at a fast-food drive-thru window, you will be faced with daunting task of making eye contact.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to continue to be daunting.
Ways to overcome eye contact anxiety:
Have conversations with someone you feel safe with and focus on making eye contact with that person. You can ask them to alert you when/if they see you pulling away too often. (Tip: It is okay to break away for a moment, just as long as you make eye contact again.)
Count to five in your head and do your best to maintain eye contact during that time. When five seconds becomes less uncomfortable, add a few more seconds and try to hold it. If you find that a five-count gives you trouble, lower the count to three seconds and practice maintaining contact for that time. Once that becomes tolerable, try to hold for a longer count.
Find a different spot on the persons face to focus on. You can look at a spot that is slightly above their eyes or between the eyes.
Challenge yourself. Each time you go to the store or eat out, challenge yourself to make eye contact with your cashier or server.
Remind yourself that you are safe.
In an attempt to protect myself, I would avoid making eye contact with just about anyone outside of my immediate family and my best friends. Most of the time this was an unconscious thing, but I was aware that I was doing it.
It wasn’t until I started to look for my first job that I really understood the importance of making eye contact with someone.
I wanted to make a good impression, obviously, so I knew that I had to start trying to make eye contact and maintain it. Being aware of my aversion was already half the battle. The next step was to consciously choose to look people in the eye.
Whenever I was eating out, or paying, or just speaking with anyone, I was telling myself, “Ok, Molly, look up from what you’re doing,” or “Don’t forget to make eye contact,” “You’re doing great! Hold for just a moment longer!”
The more I did this, the better it got. Rather than having to remind myself, which I still do at times, making eye contact became a normal reflex. I spend less time in my head and more time being able to truly listen or speak to someone.
Remember, things get easier with time and practice. You may feel uncomfortable or uneasy now, but it won’t feel that way forever. Keep in mind what you’ll gain. You so totally got this!
With love and support, Molly
Lovely. Really informative and helpful. Love, Mom